More on the would-be Utah polygamists

From March 2004 (and revised)

ALL WORKED UP ABOUT THE SLIPPERY SLOPE
By J.T. Benjamin
Copr. 2004

The “slippery slope” is one of the most popular
arguments raised by the anti-freedom forces when it
comes to gay marriage. Once you start the ball
rolling by letting homosexuals wed, the argument goes
that the “marriage ball” will just gain more momentum
and speed as it tumbles down that hill and before you
know it, nothing else is safe when it comes to the
Sacred Institution.

Sen. Rick Santorum said as much a couple of years ago. (Don’t get
confused; when I say “santorum” I’m not referring to
most common definition of the term, namely the frothy
mixture of fecal matter and lube which is often a
by-product of anal sex. I’m talking about the
Republican Senator from Pennsylvania. I don’t want
anyone to get confused.) In the April 7, 2003 USA
Today interview that made his name a household word,
Sen. Santorum warned America of the slippery slope
that is gay marriage.

“(I)f the Supreme Court says that you have the right
to consensual sex within your home, then you have the
right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, …you
have the right to adultery. You have the right to
anything.” According to the Senator, even pedophilia
and bestiality will be legitimized if gay marriage
gets the green light.

I’m expressly leaving aside the argument about
non-consentual sex with kids and dogs, (both of which
are even more disgusting than having to clean santorum
from the sheets), but I do want to discuss the
Senator’s fears about gay marriage leading to the
legitimization of polygamy.

He’s right. It’s already happening.

In January 2003, G. Lee Cook and D. Cook, a married
couple, and J. Bronson, a single woman, (all adults)
asked for a marriage license to allow Ms. Bronson to
be Mr. Cook’s second wife, with Mrs. Cook’s consent.
The Salt Lake City clerk’s office refused, and the
would-be marital trio brought suit in the U.S.
District Court for Utah. The case is pending.

The trio’s lawyer, Brian Barnard, lists several
reasons why Ms. Bronson should be allowed to be the
second Mrs. Cook; one of them relies upon the U.S.
Supreme Court’s ruling last summer which outlawed
Texas’ anti-sodomy statute. If the government can’t
prohibit homosexual sex, the argument goes, it
shouldn’t be allowed to prohibit multiple-partner
marriages, either.

The Cook-Bronson case is one of several in Utah that
are challenging the state’s anti-polygamy laws.
They’re all relying heavily upon recent court cases
all over the country which are easing bans on same-sex
marriage.

That’s right. The state of Utah, where George W. Bush
is considered a leftist pinko, is becoming a hotbed of
support for gay marriage, not for its own ends, but
because the door is left open to legalize polygamy as
well.

Talk about politics making strange bedfellows.

And I don’t normally agree with a frothy mixture of
fecal matter and lubricant, but Senator Santorum is
right about one thing; once the door is opened for gay
marriage, polygamous unions will demand to be able to
walk through the door as well.

I say, “Let ‘em in.”

There is no logical reason to endorse gay marriage
without also endorsing polygamous unions, and vice
versa. I realize that logic and reason have no place
in American politics, but hey. Activists in both
camps need to band together and work toward a common
goal. It’d be like the Osmonds marching in New
York’s Gay Pride parade.

Here’s what it comes down to for me. I’ve said it
before, and I’ll say it again. Whatever consenting
adults do in their own bedroom is their own damn
business and nobody else’s. If Steve and Mark want to
get married, more power to them. If Frank and Julie
and Susan want to tie the knot, go for it. I’ll buy
them “His” and “Her” and “Her” bathtowels.

Ironically, one of the anti-freedom forces’ arguments
against gay marriage actually works in polygamists’
favor. While the Bible apparently frowns on men lying
with men, it’s full of endorsements of the polygamist
lifestyle. Lamech, Esau, Jacob, King David, and
Solomon, to name only a few.

Now, if you check out websites like www.polygamy.com
or www.polygamy.net, they tend to endorse the Biblical
concept of multiple marriages, namely one man with
multiple wives, all of whom must be subservient to the
husband. (Technically, this is ‘”polygyny” Having
multiple husbands is called “polyandry.” Just so you
know.) Being the sensitive new-age guy I am, I can’t
get enthusiastic about this idea. To be fair to
everyone, let grown-ups be grown-ups, and if somebody
wants two wives and three husbands and consummating
their marriage looks like something out of a Seymour
Butts video, let them knock themselves out.

“What about the sanctity of marriage,” somebody’s
screaming. “Gay marriage and polygamy will bring the
institution down!” Yeah, the virtues of heterosexual
one-man-one-woman relationships are well-documented,
thanks to people like Britney Spears, Kobe Bryant,
Frank and Kathy Lee Gifford, Elizabeth Taylor, Larry
King, Pamela Anderson, Bennifer, and all those idiots
on TV shows like “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,”
“Average Joe,” “Joe Millionaire,” “Who Wants To Marry
A Millionaire,” and on and on and on.

The only drawback to this idea is the paperwork
involved, especially if somebody wants to get
divorced. Dividing marital property among five or six
people would probably only be slightly less
complicated than understanding the U.S. tax code. But
I figure all those lawyers’ billable hours would be
good for the economy. That sort of thing couldn’t be
outsourced to India.

So G.Lee Cook and D. Cook and J. Bronson ought to give
Rosie O’Donnell and her new bride a call so they can
all join forces. It’s time to get this ball rolling
down that ol’ Slippery Slope.

And for the record, while I endorse gay marriage and
polygamy as concepts, I’m not interested in getting
another spouse for myself, male or female. Multiple
wives mean multiple mothers-in-law.

Not that there’s anything wrong with mothers-in-law.
For the record, my own mother-in-law is great; she’s
so great, in fact, I can’t imagine being lucky enough
to get another one nearly as fantastic, so I won’t
even bother trying.

I love ya, Mom.

Remember I said that.