All Worked Up About BBWs

I can't believe I haven't posted this one on the blog yet. It's been far and away my most popular column.

ALL WORKED UP ABOUT BBWS
By J.T. Benjamin
Copr. 2005

True story.

A few months ago, my Lovely Wife and I were invited by some friends of ours to a “passion party.” A “passion party” is sort of like a Tupperware party; someone has
friends and acquaintances in their home, provides snacks and refreshments, and has a salesperson from the company in question offer goods and products for the guests to buy. However, at a “passion party,” the goods and products aren’t makeup or plastic containers for storing food, they’re sex toys. Dildos, massage oils, buttplugs, that sort of thing. Now, before I go any further with my story, I have to
explain that my Lovely Wife is no stick insect. How would I describe her? Let me get out my thesaurus.

My Lovely Wife is busty. Bosomy. Curvy. Buxom. Curvaceous. Voluptuous. Full-bosomed. Full-figured. Well-developed. Well-proportioned. Amply-endowed.
Big-breasted. Stacked. Robust. Built like a brick shit-house. Made for comfort, not speed. Baby got back. Zaftig. (Had to look that one up. Sounds like an eastern European guerilla fighter. “Colonel, the troop train’s been sabotaged!” “Damn that Zaftig and his band of rebels!”)

My Lovely Wife likes “Rubenesque,” after the Dutch painter Peter Paul Rubens, who used full-figured nude models, including his own wife, in dozens of his
famous paintings. However, most people are unfamiliar with the works of 17th century Dutch masters, so when I mention my wife’s Rubenesque figure, the uncouth
heathens’ eyes glaze over and the connection sails right over their uncultured heads.

Now that hot and sexy singer/actress Queen Latifah is moving up the A-list of celebrities, I can say my Lovely Wife is “BLQL,” or “Built like Queen Latifah,”
and people get it. I like that one a lot.

The most popular term I’ve heard these days is, “BBW,” which stands for “Big Beautiful Woman.” Not sure I like that one. Consciously inking “big” and
“beautiful” together like that suggests to me that the two words are generally not closely associated with each other, and they may be normally considered
contradictory, like “military intelligence” or “compassionate conservative.”

I have to point out that while my Lovely Wife happens to be a BBW (or, as I prefer, BLQL), and while she is the Sexiest Woman Alive, I don’t generally go for BBWs
as a group. I don’t go in for blondes as a group either, or blue eyes or long legs or tall women or petite women or pierced nipples or any physical group
in particular. My lustful appetites are happily diverse. The only absolutely hard and fast rule I have is “No ribs showing” and an IQ level somewhat above that of cottage cheese. Sorry, Paris Hilton. It just wouldn’t work out.

Anyway, back to the story. After the party had finished, the saleslady was taking my Lovely Wife’s order for a vibrating dildo and some knick-knacks for the bedroom. As they were wrapping up the transaction, the saleslady said to my Lovely Wife, “I
think it’s great that someone of your size feels so comfortable with her sexuality.”

Now, I know the saleslady meant it as a compliment and she was trying to close the sale. The two of us didn’t even think about it any other way until we were
driving home and my Lovely Wife said to me, “I think I was insulted tonight.”

It took us a couple of minutes to think about it, but yeah. That was an insult. Of COURSE my Lovely Wife is comfortable with her sexuality. She wouldn’t have
gone to the party if she hadn’t been. Why assume she wasn’t? Because she’s full-figured or voluptuous or a BBW, or whatever the hell you want to call it? I
realize we’re making a big deal about an innocuous little remark, but I can’t help but wonder if the saleslady made similar comments to any of the other women at the party.

“Lisa, I think it’s so great that you don’t let your tiny little boobies get in the way of your sexuality.”

“Joanne, it’s a credit to stick insects everywhere knowing you enjoy sex so much.”

“Debra, I’m glad to see you’re so enthusiastic about sex despite having that horrendous hairdo.”

“Bonnie, it’s nice to watch you and your husband prove that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to a good sex life.”

Now, at the party itself, my Lovely Wife demonstrated a better knowledge of the ins and outs of sex than the saleslady herself had. Also, judging by the lustful
stares and comments a bunch of the other guys at the party made in my Lovely Wife’s direction, I’m not the only one who thinks I’m married to someone hotter than
a two dollar pistol. So I’m thinking the only reason the saleslady would have made that comment to my Lovely Wife is because she operates on the assumption that BBWs simply don’t have sex lives as fulfilling as those of more “normal-sized women.”

To quote my favorite Gershwin tune, “It Ain’t Necessarily So.” Kathryn Mullen, publisher of the e-zine called www.Goddessmag.com, points out that 63 million women in the U.S. wear dress sizes between 14 and 24. Legendary actresses like Mae West (size 18), Jane Russell (size 16) and Marilyn Monroe (sizes 12 to 14) fit into the BBW category. And “according to a British University study conducted in England,
full-figured women have sex more regularly, were more understanding of others’ body issues, and overall liked their bodies more than their thinner sisters.”
Think about it. Who looks more confident? More self-assured? More fun in bed? Anna Nicole Smith, or Callista Flockhart?

Fortunately, my Lovely Wife is so comfortable with her own sexuality that she didn’t let a dumb comment by a knuckleheaded dildo saleswoman interfere with her
self-image as the Sex Machine that she is.

In fact, I’ve decided that the perfect word to describe my Lovely Wife is “voluptuous.” Not only does the word mean “having a large bosom and pleasing
curves” but the original Middle English definition means, “Devoted to or indulging in sensual pleasures; Directed toward or anticipating sensual pleasure;
arising from or contributing to the satisfaction of sensuous or sensual desires.” (See www.dictionary.com).

“Voluptuous” isn’t just a physical description; it’s a sensual and sexual state of mind.

Hell, I could have told you that. I’ve been married to it for fourteen years.