As I pulled into the rest stop, I followed instructions and turned right, away from the main parking lot and the restrooms and the soda machines, and toward a small picnic area hidden away in a small forest of tall pine trees. I parked my truck, as instructed in front of the third metal picnic table past the "Fire Danger Extreme" sign and I got out of the truck and walked into the small forest.
As soon as I'd gotten ten feet into the forest, or just out of view of any passerby from the picnic area, a voice told me to stop. He asked, "You're alone, right?"
"Of course," I said.
He stepped out from behind a patch of scrub oak, five feet away from me. As he requested, I won't describe anything about him except to say he looked completely out of place, even if the forest primeval was a small cluster of trees and bushes next to a rest stop just off the interstate.
I asked, "What can I do for you?"
"You write a lot about sex and the Religious Right."
"They make it easy to do so," I said.
"You call us...I mean them, 'Holy Terrors.'"
I shrugged. "So?"
He removed a white letter envelope from his back pocket. "I've got something for you," he said as he handed it to me.
"What is it?"
He said, "It's a memo of sorts. A list of talking points. Position outlines."
"For whom?"
"I can't say."
"Why are you giving this to me?"
"I have my reasons."
"So you're like a secret source?"
"I guess so."
"Can I give you a nickname," I asked.
"What?"
"How about 'The Missionary?'"
"What," he repeated. In the moonlight, a look of confusion apeared on his face.
"Kind of like what 'Deep Throat' was to Watergate. Using a sexual term to describe him, only I think 'The Missionary' matches you perfectly."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said.
"Never mind," I said. I opened the envelope and glanced through it. I said, "Wow. This is interesting," but when I looked up to talk to the Missionary some more, he was already gone. If this had been a movie, he'd have disappeared without a trace, but although I couldn't see him, I could hear him thrash through the woods, trip and fall, and curse, after a fashion.
"Dagnabbit," came faintly out of the darkness.
I came home and read the Missionary's position outline for the Holy Terrors.
Here it is.
1. Sex is evil. It’s evil because it’s fun. When people have sex they enjoy themselves and feel attractive and powerful and self-confident and they’re in a good mood all the time. We can’t have that. If people feel good about themselves they’re not listening to us tell them what terrible sinners they are and how guilty they need to feel and how they need to redeem their souls by doing what we tell them to do.
2. Sex is seductive. If people see sexual images or read sexually oriented books or watch people having sex or talking about sex or having anything to do with sex, they’re going to want to try sex so we can’t let them come into contact with anything even remotely related to sex. For that reason, we can’t even allow people to become educated about sex. If they’re educated about sex, they’ll want to try it. If they’re ignorant, they won’t be interested or curious about sex at all, and it’ll be easier for them to hear our message.
3. Sex is contagious. If some people are having sex, other people will want to have sex, too. Worse, homosexuality is even more contagious. If we allow people to see homosexuals or talk to them or listen to what they have to say or read books by homosexuals or let them teach our kids or even know homosexuals exist, people will want to be like them and try homosexuality themselves.
4. Sex is a slippery slope. If we let people have any kind of sex they want, they’ll have EVERY kind of sex they want; everybody knows that the slightest temptation away from acceptable sex leads consenting adults to sex toys, porn, oral sex, gay sex, anal sex, swinging, orgies, S/M, bondage, role-playing and so forth, and it’s an even shorter step from those abominations to rape, pedophilia, necrophilia, and bestiality.
5. The only acceptable reason for having sex is making babies (within certain restrictions. See #6 below.) God told us to be fruitful and multiply. If people have sex for any other reason, they’re defying God’s will. We have to oppose anything that either makes it easier for people to have sex without making babies, or makes sex more fun. This includes not just abortion, but contraceptives, sex toys, pornography, French ticklers, or anything that prevents or cures sexually transmitted diseases.
6. Marriage is the only acceptable forum in which people can have sex, and then only for the acceptable purpose of making babies. (See #5 above.) One man-one woman is the only acceptable form of marriage. (We realize that Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, and most of the men of the Old Testament had multiple wives, but this is okay because they were all having children left and right.) Marriage is the foundation for the existence of all human society.
7. Marriage is a fragile, delicate institution and any slight deviation from the norm will irreparably shatter it. Remember, marriage is the only acceptable forum for having sex, and the only acceptable purpose for having sex is making babies. Therefore, the main purpose of marriage is making babies. If we let people (e.g. homosexuals) marry for any other reason, (e.g. love,) the institution will be destroyed for everyone. We don’t know how it will be destroyed, but it won’t be pretty.
8. Gay people don’t deserve to get married. Since they can’t have children of their own, they want to get married for other reasons, such as wanting to grow old together and be happy. This is unacceptable, since marriage is all about having children. Since marriage is such a fine institution with such noble motives, it’s too good for gay people, who are only selfishly interested in themselves and each other and having sex for fun.
9. Anyway, even if gay people do want children, they don’t need to be married to do it. When gay people have children, it’s most often because they want them and they’re willing to work hard to raise them. They’re already committed to being good parents. Since heterosexual couples are more likely to accidentally have children, they need the institution of marriage to make sure they stick with it.
10. To summarize:
1. The only acceptable reason to have sex is to make babies. To do otherwise is to defy God’s will.
2. Babies should only be made by people married to each other.
3. The only reason to be married is to make babies. Therefore, the only good sex is married-making-babies sex.
4. Anybody who marries for any other reason is being selfish and is trying to destroy the institution for the rest of us.
5. For the good of humanity, any kind of sex which doesn’t conceive children must be discouraged. This includes making it as risky as possible. If it’s not for the purpose of conceiving, sex must be treated as a dance with death and eternal damnation.
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